A Choice ... a Compromise or Destiny..??

 I have lived my life and in the twilight years often I look back and smile at the incidents, experiences… associations formed… lost. At this juncture of life, it just seems that a documentary is being rolled out and “the Scriptwriter” is still busy pulling strings from above n directing the lives of us, earthy mortals.

On second thought…the script has already been written, and we are playing our part/role in this play called “life”. Our soul is learning certain lessons of life through the physical form/ character we all have adorned.

It amuses me. We meet these characters and form associations, bonds which continue for a short time while some remain and some just disappear into oblivion, gone.

Just like waves in the ocean meet at shores for a while and then again take off on their journey leaving no trace behind. But in life, everyone leaves an impression on our lives……

My elephant memory is always active; it doesn’t let me sit in peace…. I often remember those associations and now I want to treasure them in my diary or my blog…

I met Pam through a common friend Vidush, who was my brother’s batchmate and my cousin’s childhood friend. Our chance meeting was official but we struck a chord and it developed into a beautiful association.

He introduced me to another friend of his who needed a little push in blog writing as she was in a habit of penning her thoughts. We both got in touch and spoke telephonically.

What did I hear? A soft husky voice, speaking intelligently with a tinge of wit and laughter. Over the short period, we were acquainted and spoke over the phone regularly since we were sitting miles apart in two different cities.

But I was curious. She always sounded very cautious while talking and often I felt a surge of emotions ready to pour out but she was in perfect control. Was it my fig of imagination …? Overthinking?

I asked her to share a pic of herself as she didn’t have any social media account…. Strange, in today’s times when the whole world has shrunk into the virtual world of mobile phones she doesn’t have a social media presence?

Within minutes a pic flashed in my inbox. What did I see? A fair short-statured, well-groomed smiling woman sitting next to her husband. This picture spoke a thousand words…..

A very wealthy background, a high place in society where sparkling diamonds are like twinkling stars of a starry night. “What am I doing with her … not my scene? But I’m here to push her and help her with her blog…I reminded myself.”

I glanced back at the pic….suddenly I realized my initial readings were somehow not wrong. Her eyes spoke unsaid words….I zoomed on the pic……smile was infectious, eyes were glistening ….. Do I detect unshed tears, trauma…pain? She was a person who was putting up a brave front, fighting her demons.

The person sitting next to her was also an interesting character to read…. He is a practical, successful person yet sitting defensively with his arms tightly folded as though warding off something.

Finally, when we both met, I found her a very well organized, efficient, caring but a little domineering or overbearing person. She liked to be in control of situations to run things smoothly whether at home or outside.

But she was very careful and cautious before uttering something. She was not sure how much she could trust me. She doesn’t let people step into her life casually.

Slowly we developed some rapport and I came to know her pain… tension and trauma. The reason behind it was her husband’s involvement with other ladies, no not ladies but young girls. I do not know what is the compulsion for these young girls/females, who get drawn to such relationships…. money, lust, or sex for fun?

But it seems he’s at no point of return unless God has drafted some different lines in the script of their lives.

She comes from a joint family and was married at a very young age, just out of her teens. She lives in a dream world and still hopes her husband would come back to her, which is highly doubtful.

 Or ... Maybe I do not have all the facts as to why he went astray, to no point of return. But one thing is sure he’s having the best of both worlds….. a cosy home, financially strong and a colourful life outside in the company of young girls and booze.

Then I asked her the obvious question, “What do you want from your life? Your kids are grown up, married with their own families. They know everything about their father yet they don’t have a remedy for your problem.”

“Start writing; edit … polish whatever you’ve written.” But despite every assurance to help her in the creative work she just didn’t show any inclination to move ahead.

Amidst all this pandemonium where is Pam? Everyone around her is busy moving ahead with their own life. What is she doing with her life?

She keeps travelling and taking refuge in the mountains of Uttrakhand, where she finds solace. A lost, lonely woman looking for that little carefree girl who once happily roamed around those pine trees.

 Her fondness for mountains is famous among her friends n family, so our dear friend, Vidush calls her “Pahari Bakri” (a mountain goat)

Her immediate family, mother, uncles, her kids… everyone knows her story but the only solution they offer….. "Stay put, you have everything… money, status, luxury and comforts of life. What else do you need now at this point in life?"

Lo n behold ….Is this what we women live for?

Would I ever give this advice to my daughter or would she accept this remedy? NEVER.

Recently she said to me, “I was born and brought up with a silver spoon and married to a golden spoon.”

Wowww!! What a heavy price for all the silver and gold spoons. (No sarcasm meant here but just an outburst.)

Is this an easy choice or a compromise or was it destiny, her soul had to learn some lessons in this life?? This question looms large in front of me.

But in reality, one has to find solutions to their problems, as it is one’s journey and one alone has to tread on it. Friends or family members can lend their support but the initial step has to be taken by the person fighting his/her battles.

Personally, I feel life is difficult and full of conflicts. But in reality, it is all about our ability to face all the ups and downs with a positive attitude because storms never last forever…..seasons change!!!

PS: Recently she admitted that she thinks she has to learn certain lessons in life and spread love, compassion n happiness among others.

 

The Wonder Woman

 

This post is dedicated to Joyce….. Yes, this was the name given to her by the American Missionary friends of her family. Today in the twilight years, she often sits alone with a cup of tea and reminisces of her bygone sixty-five years.

“She has hated this woman. She has not loved herself and has allowed others to tell her she wasn't good enough.

She allowed herself to be broken. She let others treat her disrespectfully. She fought battles for others, knowing they would never stand for her.

She bungled up many times as a friend, a daughter, a wife or mom because she has a smart mouth who doesn’t always say nor do the right things.

She goes without makeup; she doesn’t dress up half the time nor would pretend to be someone she is not.

She has learnt lessons from her failures, trials, and disappointments with sheer grit and faced the challenges boldly. This has made her brave.. proud of who she is. 

She puts up a brave front yet she is afraid. She’s broken but standing gracefully. She is a warrior woman, who may not be perfect but she’s a woman of substance… 

Some people love this brave woman, some dislike her; people, on the whole, find her difficult. But nobody can ignore her and one thing is sure if she loves you, she will do it with her whole heart, she would be committed to you.” 

The above summary of Warrior woman fits Joyce very well. She has come a long way, two failed marriages, trust betrayed, criticized …..

But wait, was she looking for trust in the wrong places?

Didn’t she believe in herself?

Why she felt guilty when she was told she wasn't good enough?

Why she was devoid of the emotion called LOVE or sex, a physical need was that mistaken as love?

Why she couldn’t free herself from her shackles? 

These questions loom large in front of You…Me...n…Us. We often come across such troubled women. Every person has a story to tell, we all have our share of heaven and hell to live.

Are they jinxed??? Why are they compromising??? Is it for the sake of kids or the fear of society?

Mind you they don’t break in one day….. It takes years of mental n physical abuse to break somebody by constantly reminding them that they are worthless. 

They suffer silently while their spirit is crushed; dreams are taken away, confidence is broken. 

Yet a spark n hope is hidden in some corner of their heart which whispers, ‘stand up, dust yourself …. Life is not unfair, it’s beautiful…. Live for yourself. Don’t believe what others have been telling you.’  

Life is not a bed of roses… true, everyone struggles for survival. But breaking away…. it’s a tough decision.

When they finally decide that enough is enough and step out of their cocoon, the whole world is new to them. They feel naked without a shell around them.

They regret how much time they wasted living in fear…while time and years just flew away….

But better late than never…. more importantly, they forgive their abusers and move ahead taking those years as learning lessons to improve their souls. 

What a hard way to learn the lessons?

They may smile or laugh but they hide the pain, insecurities…tread carefully ahead not trusting anybody, that’s the saddest part of life. They have miles to go before they discover themselves.

I wrote this post taking Joyce as an example because ours is a patriarchal society where men, be it a father, brother, husband or son, play a dominant role.

I have seen women being ruled by male counterparts. Families put in more faith in strangers to marry off their daughters rather than educating them and help them to become professionally.. financially independent.

Women are forced to hand over their earnings to their fathers, husbands or in-laws. This I am quoting from my experience, seeing educated, professionally qualified women around me in my circle.

I have always felt that women are very strong personalities, despite facing all the opposition and adverse situations they come out strong. If a woman loses her husband she prefers bringing up kids singlehandedly but when a man loses his wife he needs another woman in his life to take care of his family.

In my earlier posts, I had mentioned that I strongly feel that God has not abandoned us on this planet. We all are here with a support system; in fact, we are part of that system.

Knowingly or unknowingly we become supportive to someone….. bring smile on someone’s face, restore somebody’s confidence, help people to heal up emotionally. The list is long…

Look around you… one doesn’t have to look far. You may bring a smile or sunshine into someone’s life.

Be somebody’s sunshine!!!!

Balance Life Between Responsibilities and Dreams to be Happy !!!

 

Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. You….Me n Us…every day we are trying to fulfil our duties and responsibilities making choices which are best under the circumstances.

 Success can have a different meaning for You… Me n Us. Chasing the goals and achieving them, looking for financial security and ultimately leading a prosperous and secure life. But at what cost? Life is passing right before our eyes.

 Do we ever question ourselves as to what we wanted from life for ‘Us’?

Was it a professional success, recognition?? Yes, but at what cost?

After all the achievements and fulfilling our responsibilities… what next?  

Time to take a deep breath and focus on yourself and look back………

Almost all of us have tread on a path that our parents set for us believing it to be the best road to success and happiness.

‘You….Me n Us’ strived hard for the best grades. Then a hunt for a job with a good salary… working overtime for extra perks…..Leading a mechanical life depriving ourselves simple pleasures of life.

Life becomes an endless task always focusing on the future and overlooking our present. 

Every passing moment we are not growing younger. Maybe in our twilight years, we’ll have money and time but not energy nor health to do things in our ‘bucket list’.

When I look around I find many are living balancing their life between responsibilities and their dreams and I'm really very proud of them.

https://www.facebook.com/sudeep.bhattacherjee... His profile says, "Alive..not just surviving." 

                                 

He is fulfiling his responsibilities towards his family and living a life of his dreams.

https://www.facebook.com/chandra.prakash.94849  He left his desk job to be a wedding photographer and a biker....."One day I might disappear in the mountains"

They are two of the few people I know who are following their passion and dreams. They are happy with their decision and they have the support of their families.

At what point of life will you decide to start living for yourself?

So before the time runs out (as it has for me) find a midway… a balance between responsibilities and your dreams.

‘Be an architect of your life plan…pick up a job which enriches you but the most important is to set aside some time to pursue your hobbies, play with kids and engage in activities which give you joy n happiness.

It’s a popular belief that we don’t get a second chance in life. But believe me, it’s not true. Life is always about the choices we make.  Set your priorities and decide as to what you want from life and then choose wisely and maintain a balance.

Don’t set a trap for yourself………..It’s better to die with memories than to live with unfulfilled dreams…

Pic courtesy Anuroop Bhargava  (My foster son, we lost him in 2016 in a road accident. He gave us fond memories to remember him with smiles. We miss you son)

Always remember “each of us is the architect of our happiness.” Martin Seligman

Is Childhood a Burden of Expectations???

 

‘If you have childhood dreams, you should have great parents who let you pursue them……” –Randy Pausch. 

Are we one of such ‘great parents?

In present days the fun of growing up years is missing….. Why? Where have those ‘Wonder Years’ gone?? 

Is it the burden of ‘syllabus bound education’ … ‘Tiger parenting’ or both? 

Who will decide…..? The parent or the child? Our child, who wants to reach out to his dreams.

This little bundle of joy starts exploring the world around him with loving…doting parents, always at an arm away to hold him and support him.

The time flies and the day dawn to start the formal education…..the task of teaching our little monkey to hold a pencil or a book to read and write. 

The search for the best school is on. Of course, we want the best for our kid. But we forget that this ‘time frame’ is a small window of time for a child to learn and develop at a pace which is right for him.

Close your eyes and try to remember the parent teacher’s meetings of your kid. Among the hustle-bustle of the parents, the complaining teachers who point out that the books are not in the bag….. assignments are incomplete…..not attentive in class, the list is endless.

Maybe an iota of truth is in it…….. As a parent, you try to maintain the balance from your end. But often the child is the scapegoat, who stands quietly… head bent…. listening quietly but his silent wails are falling to deaf ears. 

I cannot forget Animesh. He was an average student. But he suddenly started lagging in class. Parents were worried. The class teacher was very vocal in her complains while he listened silently, opening his mouth like a fish gasping to breathe, every now n then. 

It was evident that he wanted to say something. But no one had time to find out what was troubling him….

Later it was found that his mother was busy looking after his two months old sibling. Animesh’s support system suddenly dwindled he was unable to cope with studies on his own. His father was busy with his air force duties.

If only we ever try to hear their views??? What problems…. fears … insecurities they are facing after stepping out of the safe zone of their family????? 

Some questions loom large in front of us…

Why they are inattentive in class…..what are the reasons for not completing the assignments??? 

Is the syllabus bound education, which emphasizes rote learning dampening their creativity or they are burdened with our over expectations? 

Do we ever care to find out the answers? Some of us do while most of us are too busy with our own burdens of life...

Raising a child is an art; It is all about care, affection, understanding and maintaining a balance between our expectations and his dreams.

We should not misunderstand the distinction between loving and possessing. 

“...love them but do not burden them with your thoughts, for they perceive life with their own experiences. We give them birth but their soul is not ours, for their souls would pave a path of their own.”   

You… me … us, we all have to learn a lot about parenting and time management to cater to our kid’s emotional needs, to help them grow into a confident person.

Don’t over-schedule their routine to keep them busy. 

Never expect him/her to get the highest marks. No doubt standards matter but his ability matters a lot. 

Send this message across to them that parents are their friends but a parent first… Parental authority has to be accepted by them.

Our role is to remind them constantly to work hard and keep trying their best. They are worthy and capable of reaching out to their dreams.

We parents most of the time try to live our dreams through our children...Without a doubt, we have to accept the brutal fact that our kids would grow into a ‘Whole Person’ with their thought processes, ideologies beliefs and values.

We should refrain from conditioning our child into a ‘mini us’ to fulfil our lost dreams.

Undoubtedly we are their support system and the support system is very important for every individual…. Be it a child, an adolescent or elders. All of us are surrounded by an invisible support system provided by nature. No one is abandoned on this planet called Earth.

Like a frail...delicate creeper climbs up with the support of a tree, a fence or a wall…. But the support never shirks or takes away the beauty of that creeper plant, but they stand firm together, side by side. 

Similarly, the child grows with parental support and learns to stand confidently.

pic courtesy:https://www.facebook.com/plantae.paradise.5(Col. Maneet Singh Dwara)

Give them firm ‘Roots’ to grow into a confident person… encourage them to flap their ‘Wings’ of imagination to soar high to wider horizons. 

These ‘Roots’ would help them to bind with the family, culture, heritage and while ‘Wings’ would help them to achieve their goals. 

My 33 years of teaching career as a school teacher has been an eye-opener. This journey has taught me lessons in life. How we elders mess up with parenting.